A Troublemaker's Guide to a Magical School Experience
by thisissupposedtobeblank
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto enjoyed a good fantasy story like anybody else, but magical ninjas keeping angels and devils from killing each other? That sounded like an author trying too hard. What next, an ultra-powerful demon getting stuck in his gut, thus making him a harem protagonist in some convoluted way? Right. He might've been dumb, but he wasn't gonna fall for that one, dattebayo!


Shitori Sona was a young woman of habit.

It was completely intentional on her part. There was only 24 hours in a day, and in order to accomplish her dreams as soon as possible, it was best to be as meticulous and time-efficient as possible. As such, _every_ hour of the day was planned out to the minute.

Her morning schedule, for instance, usually went along the lines of this:

The second her morning alarm went off at 5:30 in the morning, Sona would make her way to her bathroom for a strictly five-minute shower. By 5:45 the young lady would stand before a full-size mirror in her school uniform (a costume-like ensemble which looked like it belonged in the dressroom of some kind of magical high school movie; Rias had, unfortunately, a very… unique sense of fashion), eyes roaming over every inch of her body in search of the slightest of wrinkles; "dress to impress" was advice she followed religiously (if only to distance herself from a cosplay-loving sister; ironic, really, since she was a pointed hat away from being the protagonist in an anime about a teenage witch). A customary yellow barrette would then be nestled into her immaculate bob (the most cultured-looking hairstyle that didn't take a quarter of an hour to set), and a pair of needless glasses would be properly balanced on the bridge of her nose to give her the smart, sophisticated look of an accomplished, professional young woman.

Perfect.

Within fifteen minutes Sona would be sitting at her dining table. A well-rounded breakfast of fruit, eggs, and a glass of milk (for her daily calcium intake; there was no hidden agenda whatsoever) would then be systematically consumed to give her the three minutes necessary to brush her teeth. By 6:10, the girl would be at her gekkan, strapping on her black Mary Janes and making her way out the front door for the twenty-minute trek to school with Shinra Tsubaki, her tall, long-haired best friend who also sported a pair of needless glasses, in tow.

It was at Kuoh Academy, though, where the young woman was really able to prove her mettle. As vice-president (if in name only; the efficient girl was, by any other account, the member of the Student Council in charge), it was Sona's duty to make the school as warm and inviting to its student body as possible. 6:30 would find her sitting in the Student Council room, looking over documents and budgets, before she would head out and sweep the school, looking for anything out of place even when the school was just as immaculate as she was. An hour later she would make her way to the front gate, offering a "Good morning" to as many of her classmates as she could until the clock struck eight. Then the gates would close, leaving her to go to class where she would proceed to take notes on anything and everything, no matter if she knew it or not. There was always the chance, after all, that a student might not understand the lesson, and it was her duty as vice-president to support her classmates!

Yes, this was the daily morning of Shitori Sona. She lived it; she breathed it; and nothing - not even school breaks or overbearing older sisters masquerading as magical girls - would ever manage to disrupt it.

… She should have known better.

The day had started off normally enough. Sona had walked out of her home to find the weather a bit brisk and overcast, much to be expected of a morning in the middle of October. There was a slight chance of rain, though, so she made to sidle right on up next to Tsubaki under an umbrella - a little unnecessary perhaps, but there was little point in risking a bad hair day in favor of the utter grayness of that morning's sky. Still, there was nothing terribly off as of yet.

And then they stepped into the schoolyard - the same schoolyard the two teenage girls saw practically every single day of their current lives. There was the fountain, though it was turned off at the current moment to conserve energy. Leaves were starting to turn red and gold in the trees, crinkling with the soft autumn breeze. The front doors loomed ahead, with the wings spread out like welcoming arms. This was Kuoh Academy! Everyday she entered in its premises, and everyday she could only barely contain her awe at the beauty and majesty of the institute. Yes, this… this was her castle, her Fortress of Solitude!

And there was currently something very wrong with it.

Sona frowned in worry. To the naked eye, nothing seemed off. Sure, there was a few pieces of garbage here and there, but that could (and would; she'd make sure of that) be easily taken care of in five minutes tops. Lights on in the building at that hour was nothing new - custodians often arrived even earlier than the two teenagers, as did a teacher or two every now and then. All told, everything was pretty much perfect.

And yet a sense of impending doom loomed over her. A quick glance towards her best friend found that Tsubaki too looked somewhat uncertain. There was something definitely off about their little piece of (metaphorical) heaven, which was worrying. That it wasn't visible only made them more concerned.

And then, on went the light bulb.

"Tsubaki," the vice-president calmly addressed, trying to hide the quiver in her voice, "do you, by chance, know the date today?"

"October 10, but wh~" the taller girl began, only to cut herself off as dawning horror illuminated her eyes. It seemed that she, too, realized the potential ramifications of that date. Still, the girl had a spark of hope. "Surely he wouldn't really consider it."

"Tsubaki, this is _him_ we're talking about. And he has been quiet for awhile now."

"But even he would know that he would be the prime suspect."

"Even if that was the case, he'd probably go through with it. He's an idiot; he'd probably figure he'd get himself out of it."

"Fuku-kaichou, you say that, but~  
"Don't say it, Tsubaki! Don't say another word!"

And there the two teenagers stood in the entrance of Kuoh Academy's courtyard entrance, the shorter looking much more panicked than her usual immaculate self, the taller looking sceptical. Unfortunately, this was almost typical of the vice president. There were two people in the whole world that could make the usually unflappable Sona completely and utterly flappable: her sister (and that was a topic for another time), and "The Boy." Now he… he was the bane of her entire existence! It was almost as if God saw her; created her exact antithesis in body, brain, and manners; and then put that… that… that complete moron in _every single one of her damn classes_ for the lolz! He was… he was… GYAAAHHHH!

"Um, fuku-kaichou?"

"What?!" Sona spat out, fear and anger clouding her mind to the point where she failed to differentiate between friend and foe.

Fortunately, Tsubaki was almost always level-headed and took the ire in stride. "Perhaps it would be better to calm down and determine just where, er, _he_ could have potentially… attacked?"

That instantly sobered the shorter girl. A proper vice president should never act in such an uncouth manner. No, if there was someone who wronged her, it was best to catch _him_ in the act and then let justice fulfill its role. A small smirk slowly on her otherwise cherubic face (which she would immediately deny). Yes, that little demon would rue the day he decided to mess with Shitori Sona!

Coughing cutely into her fist, the young lady calmed herself. "You're right, Tsubaki, as usual. If there is one advantage we have over _him_ , it is most definitely our intelligence." Her tall friend offered a small smile and an encouraging nod; Sona wasn't sure whether it was forced or not, but chose not to look too far into it. It wasn't like Tsubaki didn't believe her, right? "So, where would a delinquent like him choose to utilize his craft? The girls' locker room?" Oh, how she hoped so. If he got caught, it might be grounds for expulsion!

Unfortunately, Tsubaki shook her head in disagreement. "Considering the Perverted Trio are frequent victims of his more… creative ideas, I'd be inclined to believe that he general avoids stepping across that line."

That was unfortunately true. For all _his_ faults, blatant perversion was not one of them. It was one of his (very) few positives.

Well, if the locker room was out, maybe the staff lounge? "Who's his least favorite teacher?"

"... I would be surprised if he remembered any of their names."

Dammit, Sona should have considered that. With how much he slept during class, it was a miracle that "The Boy" somehow retained enough information to pass. Bothering to remember the instructor's name would have definitely been too much of a hassle for the school's resident troublemaker. And if he didn't have a name, then chances were no one on the school staff would be the prime target. The poor girl could only silently groan in frustration. For a young woman who prided herself on her mental faculties, it was so irritating to always draw a blank when it came to _him_. Sometimes - like, say, at 6:35 in the morning with a very suspicious aura wafting in the air - it got so bad she really just wanted to SCREAM!

No, calm, cool, and collected - that's what a proper vice president should alway be, and a proper vice president should be able to get to the bottom of this. And thus Sona pondered. There were a few other places she felt she could cross off the list of potential crime scenes. He enjoyed food too much to hit the student store, and he was the only guy in the school who didn't end up in a slobbering mess whenever Rias walked by, so the old school building was probably a no-go as well. So that left… oh no.

It took all of two seconds for her to get from the front gate to the academy's front door, leaving a startled Tsubaki and the umbrella in her dust. Two seconds later found her dashing up the staircase, having somehow managed to ditch her shoes at the entrance, and after another four seconds she was sliding down a hallway on the third floor. In all, it took only ten seconds to somehow make it through the courtyard, up three flights of stairs, and down to her destination: the student council room - a truly remarkable time, one few Olympic-level athletes could never hope to achieve.

It was also completely pointless, for it left her collapsed on the floor heaving for oxygen. Such was her state when Tsubaki managed to reach the top level, looking just as level-headed as she always was. Sona ignored that, as well as the small traces of embarrassment at her lack of discipline. There were more important issues to do with than a slice of humble pie.

"Okay, Tsubaki… open the door, slowly."

The tall girl obeyed, cautiously pulling the handle. A sigh of relief escaped as she noticed the lack of resistance - many of _his_ pranks relied on a pulley system tied to door handles - but the young lady refrained from dropping her guard. There was always the chance that something unpleasant above the doorway was ready to drop on the head of an unsuspecting victim. So, with a hint of trepidation, the girl pressed two hands onto the council room door and, with a small heave, pushed the door open.

Nothing dropped.

Well, that wasn't true. The two teenagers felt a bead of sweat drop from the top of their heads. For, while there was nothing gooey or wet that was splattered across the floor, on the furniture, or up the walls, there was certainly something… different about the room.

It was orange.

Several shades of orange, to be exact.

The entire room, every square millimeter, was painted a vibrant shade of sunset, from the walls to the bookcases to the desk in the center. The carpet had been reupholstered to a lovely shade of mango, and the furniture all were a deep shade of persimmon. Even the windows were somehow orange-tinted.

It was awe-inspiring. It was horrifying.

It almost made Sona cry tears of joy.

Yes, the room was an eyesore, but this definitely wasn't as horrible as she had figured. Hell, she was half afraid that _the boy_ had decided that the Student Council Office should be made into an indoor pool or a tropical forest. But while being in the room was bound to leave someone dealing with blindness at a young age, it was, honestly, a quick fix. The young lady could simply have Rias complain to her siscon of a brother, and then ta-dah! Brand new council room! It wasn't like the space had needed a little renovating in the first place - by the time she became the Student Body President, this room would be fit for a queen. Now, she could move up her plans a bit.

That, and while she loathed _the boy_ with every fiber of her being, he did do a decent job with matching the different shades of orange. Strap on a pair of sunglasses, and she could even work in the room, she figured as she walked across the threshold.

Unfortunately, that was the end of the line for any positive thoughts. The trip wire that brushed against her ankles saw fit to that.

And that was when the real chaos started.

" _You make me feel/ Mighty real!_ "

An extremely high falsetto started to blare out of the intercom, complete with a disco ball that somehow descended from who knew where into the center of the orange student council room. Immediately the lights began to flicker on and off rhythmically to the music. Orange glitter and confetti swirled in the air, ejected out of the air conditioning and vents that all turned on at the same time… _throughout the school_. Every single classroom, every single hallway, hell, every single inch of floor space was soon covered in orange. And, to top it off, some kind of banner had fallen down the school wall, keeping out any sunlight.

Sona could only stand, frozen in shock, as glitter and confetti accumulated on her shoulders and hair. Not even the calm vibration of an incoming message could startle her out of her petrified state.

Besides, Tsubaki was there to inform her of any more horrible news.

"Fuku-kaichou? Reya just sent a picture."

With a quivering hand, the poor girl who had completely lost her immaculate persona grasped onto her friend's phone, prepared for the worst. There, on the screen, was Kuoh Academy, completely with a spouting fountain. Only instead of the clear white of water being shot twenty feet into the air, it was, unsurprisingly, orange. And in the background was the speculated banner, twenty feet tall by forty feet wide, with a short little message printed in a fairly cheerful font:

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY NARUTO!"

And thus, on October 10, the second-year vice president of the Student Council slumped down onto her knees, drained and beaten despite it being only seven in the morning. None of her friends and the other members of the council really could blame her when she asked for a day off.

And none of them dared to ask about a certain blonde troublemaker who was then drooling on his pillow, too tired after a hard night's work.

* * *

A few hours later…

If Uzumaki Naruto was asked what his favorite meal of the day was, his answer would most likely be "lunch."

For a teenager, it was an expected answer. Lunch provided a good hour each day when a student could hang out with his friends and actually talk about stuff they enjoy, rather than the interrogation-like discussion at the dinner table in the evenings. Some took advantage to eat the crappy hidden pleasures that weren't allowed within the walls of their home, while others enjoyed boasting of either their mothers' or lovers' culinary skills.

But Naruto's reason why was rather simple in comparison: it was usually his first meal of the day. As it turned out, early to bed and early to rise didn't just result in being healthy, wealthy, and wise, but also had the added benefit of an early meal, something the young blonde - whose usual bedtime was almost always well into the next morning - had failed to grasp as a kid growing up. Most days usually found him running around like a drowsy chicken with its head cut off, trying (and more often than naught, failing) to keep another tardy off his attendance record, and unfortunately, instant ramen wasn't a very good meal to have on the go.

Believe him, he tried. For a week. Drinking hot ramen from a thermos while on the run had regrettably lead to a sudden loss of taste buds, several ruined shirts, and borderline third degree burns. It was kinda embarrassing to admit it took him that seven full days before figuring out that perhaps just waiting until noon to eat was the best idea.

Ever since then, the young man would attack lunch with all the gusto of a starving hyena. Blessed with impressive athleticism for a kid so short as well as a bank account that strangely was always full despite his status as an orphan (not that he cared - what teenager would ever question free money?) Naruto was almost assured to be found at the front of the line for the student store come lunchtime. His attempts to buying out the place to satisfy his stomach was another of a long list of reasons why the prankster wasn't as warmly welcome to Kuoh Academy as he could have been.

On the tenth day of October, though, the students were blessed to find a Naruto-less line, a fact a few of them surely celebrated, even with orange glitter and confetti scattered throughout the school. The blond troublemaker, had he known, wouldn't have cared - he was much more concerned about the bowl of ramen placed before him, its rich aromas filling his nostrils with bliss and joy.

"Ah, Ichiraku's, how I've missed you!"

His enthusiasm earned him a small giggle from the waitress, a young woman a few years older than him. Despite the age discrepancy, Naruto had been such a frequent customer that the two of them eventually became friends, to the point that the teenager would just shoot a text letting the young woman know he was on his way over for some noodly goodness. "Happy Birthday to our favorite customer! Though honestly there's no need to be so melodramatic, Naruto-kun; you were just here last week!

"Yeah, but that was seven days, Ayame!" he managed to say before digging into the culinary masterpiece. Within seconds, half of his bowl was inhaled, and the young man was all but moaning in satisfaction. "Life without Ichiraku's is like… well, like life without sleep!"

"Coming from someone who just woke up a little after noon on a weekday, that's not saying much," teased the older girl before her face morphed into a thoughtful look. "Speaking of which, why did you get up so late, Naruto-kun? Did you choose to celebrate turning seventeen by taking the day off from school?"

"Well, that's one reason…" the blonde trailed off, picking at his meal with a practiced hand. "It's mostly because I stayed up all night."

"Really?"

Despite an admitted lack of social awareness and with it trouble at reading social cues, even Naruto could hear the subtle hint of deadpan in Ayame's voice, and that wasn't going to do at all. "Yes, really! I might have gotten up at noon, but that's only because I went to bed at six!"

The waitress shook her head in faux disappointment. "I know you like video games, Naruto-kun, but staying up that late… If you're not careful, you'll end up as a NEET!"

"I'll let you know, I'm way too awesome to get to that level! And besides, who said anything about playing video games?" With surprising dexterity, the young man fished out his phone, quickly bringing up videos while still managing to shovel down more noodles with the pair of chopsticks in his right hand. "Behold! The fruits of a night of hard labor!"

As it turned out, his glorious prank had gone viral, one of the videos even making it onto the local newscast. Naruto almost shed a tear of pride upon first seeing that - it wasn't quite like being on television, but it was probably closer than the blonde ever would get.

It also brought on a smile on Ayame's face as she ruefully shook her head. "I shouldn't say it, being the adult and all, but you really have a sense of style."

"I know, right? Man, I wish I could have seen Sona-chan's face!" cheered the prankster, quite pleased with himself, though that look soon morphed into a thoughtful one. "Hmm, maybe I should look into getting video cams?"

"And start your own Youtube channel? I'm sure it would be quite the hit," giggled the waitress before her eyes flashed slyly. "And just who is this 'Sona-chan,' Naruto-kun?"

"Hmm? Oh, just some girl at my school who's always harping on me for ignoring rules."

As expected, the blonde completely missed the underlying tone as well as the Ayame's defeated sigh upon his response. It appeared as if he were much more interested in the broth and noodles that were starting to get cold; clearly his priorities were a little skewed. Seventeen-year-old boys were supposed to be more interested in the fairer sex than pranks and ramen!

… Okay, so maybe it was more for her own entertainment, buy in Ayame's defense, relationships between delinquents and model students were a tried-and-proven trope for teenage romcom. Sure, she had never actually met this Sona, so she couldn't say how "by the book" the girl actually was; and yes, Naruto wasn't exactly the "rebel" type, as he never really went out of his way to harm people. But she was a simple ramen waitress at a slightly popular stand in a town on the outskirts of Tokyo! You could excuse her for trying to find some excitement in her normally boring life, even if her "pawns" didn't exactly fit their respective stereotypes.

"... Then again, he does play the part of dense protagonist pretty well."

"Hmm? Did you say something, Ayame-chan?"

The waitress in question smiled mischievously. "Nothing that you need to worry about, Naruto-kun. Just thinking about the latest romcom I'm taking an interest into."

The blonde blanched. "Yeah, can't say I'm into that stuff. Way too mushy for my taste." With a content sigh, the young man jumped off his stool, stretched, and then patted his stomach gently. "I think I'm gonna call it a day - got a few things I wanna do still, it being my birthday and all."

"And by things you mean…"

"Oh, just playing a few games, relaxing, plotting my next great prank - you know, the usual," Naruto grinned cheerfully before making his way to the door. "Thanks again for the meal."

"See you later! And keep having a happy birthday!"

Like that wasn't going to happen. It was only half-past noon, which meant the troublemaker had the rest of the day for himself!

"Alright! Birthday prank was a resounding success; birthday meal, delicious! So that leaves…" For a second, Naruto hesitated, trying to remember just what he had planned for the day (outside of pranks, he kind of sucked at planning), before shrugging his forgetfulness off. "Meh, I guess a few hours on the old Playstation will do the trick! Lightning, here I come!"

And with a gleeful cheer, the young man began the walk home, cheerfully oblivious to the world around him.

… Which was a shame, for had he been a little more observant, he might have noticed the girl with the wing-like hairstyle in the cute but scandalously short cosplay outfit handing out chirashi with weird magic-like circles to a few people on the street. He might have questioned why someone was wearing a kimono of all things in an area that wasn't scheduled for a festival anytime soon, hugging what looked to be a white rabbit. And he probably would have been a little creeped out by the rather large man with a large white mane, giggling pervertedly whenever anything with two boobs and a slim figure walked on by.

But for a teenager who was living a carefree life not bound by house rules and inhibitions, Naruto was happy enough that failing to notice these things wouldn't make that much of a difference in his life.

… Oh how wrong he was.


End file.
